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A little humor and hope to help you cope.

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Hey y’all, it’s me coming to you from my living room, which has, well, seen a lot of living lately thanks to this whole COVID-19 or whatever I’m supposed to call it.

So yeah, the virus thing took us all for a loop, didn’t it? Now I know there’s some people out there who are like, “What virus? I didn’t hear anything about that,” as they pout for another selfie. Or maybe they’re those who are saying, “I refuse to participate in this virus.” Yeah, good luck on that. I think it’s safe to say we are all participating now.

So why am I here? I don’t know. I guess I just don’t want to be cooped up alone. Maybe you don’t either. Hey, maybe you need a laugh right now. No, the situation is not funny, but maybe you still need a way to laugh, and just be reminded you’re not the only one out there who ate all your Armageddon snacks by day two. So I’m just going to be checking in every now and then to make sure you’re okay, or just to let you know I’m still here. I’ll probably check in with some of my other friends too as we go, we’ll see.

So the topic for today, what virus? What I wish I knew a month ago.

I made a list. I like lists. Oh this is Max. (My dog popped into the video). Yeah, he’s feeling a little bit cooped up with Kelly too, so he’ll join us occasionally. Anyway, I made a list because that’s what I do, and I have plenty of time to make them. And went to get a whole new set of markers, because right before this whole thing went down, because you never want to be unprepared.

Anyway, see I’m boring him already, but just hang tight. (Max has left the scene.) At least hear the things on my list. Today’s list is things I would go back one month ago and tell myself before before I ever heard the word coronavirus. The first thing I would tell myself is, “For God’s sakes, keep your hair appointment.” Yes it’s true, y’all I have aged 30 years in just a week. Even my wig’s roots are showing, I’m just saying.

Number two, “No, you don’t need that new MAC Glam Glitter Coral Skies eyeshadow, and you certainly don’t need a backup.” I mean, it’s really weird y’all, I’m like putting on lipstick to go to the living room in my pajamas. Now those of you who know me already know that my husband is a prepper, so well, this is the moment he’s been living for his entire life. We had 60 rolls of toilet paper when the virus was just still a live bat. And yet nowhere in his prepping inventory does he stock the eyeliner that I love, I mean hello!

I have a hard enough time with makeup companies discontinuing my favorite things when times are good. So change that. Yes, you do need that MAC eyeshadow. In fact, you better buy four.

Okay, the next thing I’d go back and tell myself, number three, “Put down the pack of razors. You are not going to need them.”

Number four, “Toilet paper jokes will become way over done. Take them out of your act immediately.”

Number five, “If you’re not going to eat it now, you’re not going to eat it during the end of the world.” Enter in the ingredients I bought to make homemade biscuits. Yeah, not happening. Now my preppy has us stocked up on these, oh what are they? They’re these military dehydrated meal packets, are they like MREs or something? You just add water, and it becomes a pot roast with vegetables. Are you kidding? If the world is on fire, I’m going down holding a Little Debbie Snack Cake, I’m just saying.

In fact, it is very confusing for me right now, the whole diet or not thing. I mean I was doing pretty good on the whole low carb living, but if the world is going to end, then what’s the point? Well, on the other hand, I don’t want to walk out of my door one day, six months later weighing 300 pounds with long gray hair and unshaved legs like an Eskimo matriarch, no offense Eskimos.

Number six on my list, “If you’re not doing it now, you’re probably not going to do it later.” Enter in the emergency workout equipment that is still in the box eight days later. And no need to stock up on laundry detergent, because you’re about to wear the same outfit for eight days. And that new business
planner you just had to have because it had the cool leather binder and came with the pen? Yeah, about that business you thought you had…

A month ago, I would have told myself, number seven, to buy stock in Netflix and Hulu.

Number eight, “Buy stock in anything.”

Number nine, “Start meditating immediately. You are going to need it when you enter into homeschool hell.”

And number 10, if I could go back to myself a month ago I would say, “Take care of your friendships. You’re going to need them really soon. And go hug your mom and dad, because you’re not going to be able to see them for a while.” Always remember, you don’t know what you have until it’s gone.

All right, got to go. We want to order some Chinese food before they finally shut down all those restaurants, and then our world really will go dark.

I’ll be back. For now, just a little humor and hope to help you cope.

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