Another hilarious tale by funny motivational speaker Kelly Swanson
Nester Sees Jesus
Hey ya’ll. It’s me again. I don’t have long, but you have got to hear what happened. Cousin Nester called us all up this morning to say that Jesus had appeared on the side of his garage – not in the flesh, or even in the vapor, but in a distorted image on wood apparently made from rust, sap, and an unidentifiable white substance most likely blamed on birds and the adjacent cherry tree.
Nester didn’t believe in Jesus but was willing to bet his lottery ticket that this was in fact the Holy of Holies who had taken residence above his trash cans, staring down with a look of disdain at the collection of assorted hubcaps and the discarded recliner bearing the imprint of Nester’s backside.
Nester took this sighting to mean two things: the recliner should stay, and here was the new business opportunity he’d been waiting for. And with more ambition than he had shown in his combined forty-five years, he notified the press, alerted the neighbors, slapped up a sign that said “$10 to see Jesus,” set up an EBay account, and put his son Dudley to work scraping pieces of wood off the side of the garage to sell to the highest bidders.
So if you walked past Nester’s house this morning, that’s why you saw all the cameras and the large gathering of curious faces cocked to the side in rapt attention, intent on getting their full ten dollar’s worth. It was the first time Jesus had been sighted in our town (outside the stained-glass and shrink-wrapped variety and excluding the time Granny Jean mixed up her medications) so it was not something to be taken lightly. People gave it the piety deserving of a savior, no matter where they fell on the scale of belief, for even the most critical unbeliever figured it prudent to be respectful, just in case.
Everybody was eager to speak about the miracle to the TV cameras shoved in their faces, happy to be asked about something other than a tornado or a beauty pageant queen gone bad.
It was Vyrnetta who first brought into question the authenticity of this spiritual sighting, pointing out that she saw in a magazine that he was just spotted yesterday in a grilled cheese sandwich in Idaho and this magazine should know, being as they were the first to show pictures of J’Lo’s babies.
And Booker Diggs made a very good argument that while the image could be perceived as Jesus, it bore a more striking resemblance to Sonny Bono. And how come whenever images appeared like this, people immediately assumed it was Jesus? And if Jesus was coming back, why would he pick the side of the garage?
Why would he pick our town for that matter? Good grief, we didn’t even have a McDonald’s. To which Mildred Jenkins pointed out that the first time he came it was as a carpenter born in a stable and nobody argued with Mildred who’d been teaching Sunday school since she was five.
Pastor Fern came over and dramatically announced that it couldn’t be the real thing because sightings of this nature only appeared to those who attended church, Sunday school, and served on at least two committees.
He was followed by Father Jim the Priest, who wasn’t really a priest, but had started out to be one before he got a calling to go into country music, and he said that it couldn’t be considered real until somebody sprinkled some holy water on it.
Bitsy offered up some of the special tonic she carried in her purse that despite her protests smelled an awful lot like moonshine. She said it was to help calm her nerves and that should count as holy because nothing could work a miracle like that stuff.
Ernestine claimed that was downright blasphemy and didn’t it just figure, coming from a Presbyterian. This resulted in a verbal assault on the Baptists, which resulted in a hit on two Methodists, four Mormons, and one suspected heathen, which opened the door for the other denominations present until no one was left unscathed.
Bucky said this was a sure sign that they were all going to hell and he started confessing a list of sins that, while entertaining, were probably better left private.
The Tucker twins were singing and throwing their hands up in the air hoping to signal up a revival when things turned from the verbal to the physical as Buster punched Nester and both of them fell back against the garage.
And in one fell swoop the Jesus image was gone – smeared like a child’s finger painting which now looked more like Courtney Love.
They all froze, pondering the ramifications of having erased Jesus. This couldn’t be good. If his appearance was a sign – imagine what erasing him could mean.
After a while, there really wasn’t much more to say about it – and now that the sighting was no longer – well they found themselves standing in a moment equivalent to that of a frat party when the keg’s run dry.
And so they went their separate ways, some giving this Jesus thing a little more thought and others quickly distracted by the yard sale two doors down.
That’s all I got today.
But don’t worry. I’ll be back. Just remember, you didn’t hear it from me.
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